How to Write a Hesped — a Jewish Eulogy
If you're reading this, you've likely lost someone, and the funeral is soon — Jewish burials happen quickly, often within a day or two. You have very little time, a heavy heart, and a blank page. This guide is for exactly that moment.
What a hesped is
A hesped is the Jewish eulogy, and the tradition around it is old — Abraham eulogizing Sarah is in the Torah itself. Jewish teaching gives the hesped two jobs, and they're a helpful compass: to praise honestly — to say truly who this person was — and to allow grief — to let people feel the size of what's lost.
Honesty matters. The tradition explicitly warns against exaggerating in a hesped. You don't need to make your father into a saint; you need to make him recognizable. The moment people nod because they knew exactly that thing about him — that's a hesped doing its work.
A structure to hold onto
When you're grieving, structure is a kindness. Use this one:
1. Who they were to you. "I'm Sarah's oldest daughter." Begin there; it steadies you and orients the room.
2. One or two stories. Not a résumé — a portrait. The way she answered the phone. What he did every Friday afternoon. How she treated waiters, grandchildren, strangers. Small and true beats grand and vague.
3. What they valued. Family, work, laughter, Israel, the shul kitchen, fairness, a good argument. Name two or three things, each tied to something they actually did.
4. A Jewish thread, if it fits. If they had a favorite saying, a candle-lighting habit, or a parsha connection, this is where it belongs. If they weren't religious, don't manufacture it — a secular life honestly told honors them more than borrowed piety.
5. Goodbye. Speak to them directly at the end, if you can: "Dad, we'll..." It's the hardest part and the truest. Many end with the traditional words: May their memory be a blessing — zichrono/zichronah livracha.
Length: 3 to 5 minutes. If several people are speaking, closer to 3. Ask the rabbi how many speakers there will be.
Practical notes for the day
Write it out in full — don't trust memory through tears, and there is no shame in reading. Bring a printed copy in large type. It's fine to cry, to pause, to start a sentence again; no one in the room is grading you. If you truly can't finish, hand the page to the rabbi — they've carried people through this before.
If words won't come
Some questions that unlock memory when nothing else does: What did they do that no one else did? What would they say right now, seeing everyone gathered? What's the thing everyone always said about them? What did they teach you without ever saying it out loud? What will you miss on an ordinary Tuesday?
Answer even two of those and you have a hesped.
If you'd like help shaping the words
Shpiel helps you turn memories into a hesped — you share stories and what they valued, and it drafts words that are honest, Jewish to the degree that fits their life, and yours to change. Many people use it just to get past the blank page at a hard time. Writing and previewing is free.
Frequently asked questions
Who gives the hesped at a Jewish funeral?
Commonly the rabbi and one to three family members or close friends. There's no rule that children must speak — participation is honor, not obligation.
Are there days when eulogies aren't given?
Yes — traditional practice omits or shortens hespedim on certain joyful days of the Jewish calendar. Your rabbi or funeral home will guide you; it's their job and they expect the question.
Can I include humor?
Yes. A funny, true story about the person is one of the most healing things a hesped can hold. Jewish funerals have laughter in them more often than people expect.
What does "may their memory be a blessing" mean?
It's the traditional phrase (zichrono livracha for a man, zichronah livracha for a woman) expressing that remembering the person should itself bring goodness into the world — that who they were keeps acting on us.